


To Be Alone

by houdini74



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Boys In Love, Committed Relationship, M/M, Personal Growth, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 08:41:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18546256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/houdini74/pseuds/houdini74
Summary: David was certain that love wasn’t something that happened to people like him.





	To Be Alone

**3 Years Ago**

He was meant to be alone.

As he stared across the table at Jake, David realized how completely uninterested he was in everything about him. Well, everything except how great he looked and how good he was in bed.

He couldn’t remember the last time that he had believed he could fall in love. When he’d fallen in love before, it had only led to pain. Love ripped you open and made you vulnerable, and it never lasted. Better to protect yourself and give up on possible joy than to suffer. He couldn’t admit it, but in spite of every time he’d been torn apart, love was what he burned for more than anything else. 

Sex was great, with anyone, anywhere, but it never filled the void inside him. And afterwards, when he wanted more, it cut and sliced him apart, as he searched for something deeper. Love was always elusive, the missing piece that he kept searching for, even as his heart was bruised and bleeding and he built his walls even higher and stronger. So he trusted no one, knowing that anything that looked like love would only end in pain.

His parents were in love. Now that they were forced to spend time together, he could see the love between them everyday in a way that he hadn’t been able to when they had shared different wings of their enormous house or when he was in New York. He knew that the love they shared had grown stronger from their decades together. Finding that spark, that beginning, wasn’t something he could recognize in the people he met. What his parents had had grown into a constant fire, different from anything he saw in his own relationships.

Growing a love like that when all he had was a revolving door of one night stands and break-ups was like trying to understand the distance to the sun. It was so large and impossibly out of reach that it wasn’t something that he could ever know. 

Without question, it was clear that whatever love was, it probably wasn’t something that happened to people like David Rose.

The only flicker he’d ever had that something different might be possible was with Stevie. It wasn’t love between them, but it was light years from than the pain and sharp edges he was accustomed to. Friendship wasn’t something that had typically been in his wheelhouse either, and he had come to treasure what he had with Stevie.

He probably would have been on board with what Jake was proposing if it hadn’t been for Stevie. Or even if he wasn’t on board, he would have at least been willing to go along with it. He didn’t love Stevie, but he cared about her. She made life in this town bearable and he wasn’t going to sacrifice that for someone like Jake. Even if the sex was incredible.

He knew that Jake was simply another way to pass the time while he waited for...something. Something better or maybe just something different. Or maybe just a way out of this town. Either way, he had so little invested that ending the increasingly awkward relationship was almost painless, or at least as painless as it had ever been.

He sighed. The loneliness was the same. The one constant between this life and his old one. But what did it matter? It was always more of the same. Good sex, bad sex, whatever was available to blunt the edge of his loneliness. There would be another Jake, there always was. As long as he kept his guard up and didn’t let anyone get too close, he would be fine. It was an old lie and a familiar one. So familiar that he almost believed it. 

 

**2 Years Ago**

At first, he felt a certain sense of pride as he left Sebastian Raine’s motel room. Sebastian had hurt him once, and there was satisfaction in being able to hurt him in return, to reclaim something for himself, even if he’d had to burn away a piece of himself to do so. He pushed that thought away only to have his thoughts slide over to somewhere he really didn’t want them to go and without warning he was thinking about Patrick.

Mingling thoughts of Sebastian with those of his nice, good-looking, but probably straight business partner was not what he wanted to do right now. Patrick would definitely not approve of what he had just done with and to Sebastian Raine. He was pretty sure that Patrick would be disappointed at best and revolted at worst that David would use himself as a weapon to get something he wanted. It shouldn’t matter, but somehow, it did.

Of course, if Patrick wanted to disapprove of something from his past, there was lots to choose from. And yet, the distance between the things he’d done ten years ago or even three years ago and what he had done last night seemed vaster than it should be. It was almost as though Patrick’s proximity made this worse than what had come before. Fucking Sebastian and leaving him in the morning paled in comparison to other things he’d both done and had done to him. But knowing that he would see Patrick in a matter of hours made it feel like he’d failed Patrick even if he never knew about it.

It was ridiculous. Patrick was his business partner. Neither them had any hold over the other’s private life. He had no more right to tell Patrick to stop having what was probably perfectly nice sex with an undoubtedly wholesome girl than Patrick did to say anything about what he done to Sebastian. Even so, for a brief second, he regretted what he’d done. 

It surprised him how much he didn’t want to disappoint Patrick. He enjoyed the time they spent with each other and they worked well together, but he didn’t even know if he’d venture to say they were friends. Maybe with time, they could become friends. Or maybe something more, a little voice inside of him whispered. And if he occasionally fantasized about ripping open one of those blue button-down shirts, that wasn’t a reason for him to care what Patrick thought about him. And yet, he did.

He shrugged off the black leather jacket. For years, it had been his go-to look whenever he needed an extra boost of confidence, but suddenly, he never wanted to wear it again. He hung it up carefully and tucked it into the back corner of his closet. It was past time for him to head to the store, he knew that Patrick would already be there, waiting for him. 

 

**18 Months Ago**

“We’re both starting something new,” he said to Patrick. He liked Patrick, he realized. Genuinely liked him. He wanted to be in the same room as him. He wanted to make him laugh and spend time with him. He wanted to hear Patrick tell stories about his outrageously normal childhood and have him tease David about his clothes. He even wanted to listen to him talk about financial statements and inventory. 

Patrick’s lips were warm and soft and if he’d been tentative when David had kissed him last night he had lost that uncertainty today. His second kiss was confident and curious and David could feel his desire to explore in the movement of Patrick’s lips against his own. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he had kissed someone he liked. He liked Stevie, of course, but what he liked about her was their shared disdain for the world. Patrick was just so...nice...whereas Stevie was like David, she was definitely not nice. David had always thought that being nice was about being soft, maybe even weak but Patrick wasn’t either of those things. He could be pointed and sharp and he held his ground against David almost effortlessly. But even in the moments when he was taunting him, it was playful, like he was on David’s side.

He liked the way Patrick mocked him when he was being ridiculous or gave him that quizzical smile when David said or did something particularly outlandish. He even liked the things that he previously would have seen as inferior to his own good taste and worldliness, like Patrick’s department store clothing and his sincerity. 

Not only did he like Patrick, but he was pretty sure that Patrick liked him as well. He sounded as though he was in grade school, he thought to himself, but he couldn’t think of any other way to describe the spark that had been ignited between them. For the first time in longer than he could remember, he thought he might be able to enjoy something more with Patrick than the sex that usually left him so empty. And if the sensation of kissing someone he liked was new to him, then the notion of being kissed by someone who liked him back was even more foreign. 

He wanted Patrick, wanted him badly. He could feel his desire building and he knew that holding himself back would take every ounce of willpower that he had. But he wanted Patrick to like, not just him, but the things they did together. Even if this relationship ended as all his others had, he wanted to be able to give that to Patrick.

Patrick was giving him one of his quizzical looks right now and he realized that it had been some time since he’d said anything.

“David?” he asked. Patrick’s confidence was still there but David thought he could detect a note of something else underneath it. He had to be careful, David reminded himself. Careful that he didn’t let his surety in the physical parts of their relationship step on Patrick’s inexperience. Careful that he didn’t let his own insecurities out to play where they might fuck things up. 

“Hi,” he said back to Patrick, smiling as he leaned forward to kiss him for just the third time. 

He knew, of course, that this could end very badly. Would end badly. And when it did, it would probably not only destroy a friendship with someone he liked but also the business and life he was trying to rebuild. But he found that he didn’t care. It had been too long since he had had the luxury of trying something new with someone he liked. And if he could glean a few memories with Patrick to look back on, then maybe it would still be worth it.

 

**1 Year Ago**

Patrick had a beautiful voice. A wave of relief washed over him. He’d been embarrassed by public declarations before and Patrick had been winding him up about this performance for the past two days. As the relief subsided, he was finally able to hear the words of the song. He had always loved it. He hadn’t known that Patrick had noticed when he had turned it up in the car so that he could sing along under his breath, but clearly he had.

He was learning that Patrick was like that. He noticed things about David. He noticed the little things, the things he held close so that no one would see them. Yet Patrick saw them anyway. Maybe he didn’t mind so much this time. In the past when people had noticed things it was so that they could use them to hurt or humiliate him. But Patrick seemed to notice things so that he could share them with David. In the tiniest way possible, it made him want to share things with Patrick, to give him parts of himself so that they could have them together.

He blinked back the tears that were threatening. He was overwhelmed by a sudden deep and all-encompassing need to believe in what Patrick was, so publically and fearlessly, offering him. He wanted to believe that it was real, that it could be this effortless. For a moment, it seemed simple and easy to reach out and accept what Patrick was giving him. Except, he realized, he didn’t know how.

As much as he wanted to be alone with Patrick, he found himself grateful for the roomful of people between them. Without those people to buffer him, words that he could barely think, let alone say, would surely overtake them both, filling up the space between them with something he would never be able to take back. 

He clapped with everyone else as the song ended and Patrick introduced the next act, watching as Patrick came down off the temporary stage and moved towards him. Beside him, his mother saw Patrick coming and in a rare moment of self-awareness moved away to give them as much privacy as was possible in a room full of people. David couldn’t decide if he was grateful or not.

Patrick looked at him carefully as he came over to where David leaned against the store counter. David expected Patrick to stop in front of him, but instead he turned to lean against the counter beside him, pressing their shoulders together. 

“Hey,” Patrick said softly as Twyla and Ronnie performed a duet of Highway to Hell.

It was almost too much. The song had almost been too much when he could tuck it deep inside himself and keep it close. To have to speak, to have to say any of the thousand things that he both wanted and didn’t want to say was more than he could contemplate. He looked over to see Patrick watching him, his eyes soft.

“Thank you,” he whispered, he put his arm around Patrick’s shoulders to pull him closer, reaching over to kiss him on the cheek, trying to put all of the words he couldn’t say into the press of his lips against Patrick’s skin.

 

**6 Months Ago**

He could feel the steel cable cutting into his hand as he looked down from the ropes course. He couldn’t believe he’d allowed Alexis to goad him into this. He didn’t care if their relationship was exciting, that had always been what Alexis craved with her exotic countries and her yacht-owning boyfriends. What he craved, what he had always craved, he now realized, was what he and Patrick had together, stability and security, playfulness and routine.

Once he had thought that a perfect day was sleeping until noon and partying until dawn. But now, while he would still happily stay in bed, it was snuggling up to Patrick, talking about their store, planning their day, that made everything perfect.

When he had told Patrick that he loved him, he hadn’t entirely appreciated how much he would love everything that came with that. He loved waking up to see Patrick smiling at him from the other side of the bed. He loved seeing the quick look of surprise when he brought Patrick a cup of tea without being asked. He loved when Patrick teased him when he was being overly dramatic.

From the outside, what Patrick brought to his life probably did seem monotonous and dull. But he relished the feeling of knowing what would happen next. Of knowing, when he glanced across the room that Patrick would be looking back at him. Of knowing what they would do on Tuesdays and of having the security of their daily routine. How could he ever explain the thrill that came from feeling fully and completely safe? 

Never in his life had he been with someone without having the edge of not knowing what would happen next. And never had he been secure in the knowledge that what came next would be full of joy instead of pain. 

“Has our relationship had enough excitement for one day?” Patrick was asking, amusement and resignation in his eyes. Over his shoulder, David could see that Ted and Alexis had made their way to the third set of ropes.

“This is what I want,” he said to Patrick.

“I’m sorry?” Patrick looked confused.

“Not this,” David gestured at the course. “I want what we have together. I want to do inventory and watch TV and eat pizza. Those are the things I want to do as long as we do them together. I’m sorry I tried to turn our relationship into something it’s not, but that’s not really what I want.”

He wasn’t sure he was explaining this to Patrick as well as he could be. For the first time, he knew that what he wanted wasn’t driven by a need for excitement. Rather, it was the safety and security that Patrick gave him that he cherished. Alexis could keep her adventure dates, he would rather be predictable as long as it meant he could be with Patrick.

 

**4 Months Ago**

He wrapped his arms around Patrick as tightly as he could, knowing what he could have lost. Beneath his fingers, he could feel the crisp fabric of Patrick’s pale blue button down shirt. His pulse was hammering in his throat and against his neck he could tell that Patrick’s was doing the same. 

He had wanted Patrick to be sure. To be as sure he was, to know without question, that David was all he would ever want. 

The thought of it shook him. The relief that he’d felt when Patrick had confessed in a low voice that David was all he wanted still washed through him, retreating and returning like waves on a beach. He loved Patrick with a fierceness that he’d never felt before. And yet, he would have put everything that he felt on hold to give Patrick what he needed to be sure. He knew now that he would do anything for Patrick, including letting him explore if that was what he needed. 

In his own life he had been with so many people and done so many things. Sometimes, the thought that he might be the only man that Patrick would ever be with was too much. He knew Patrick had to be curious about other people but he hadn’t known if that curiosity was enough to change anything. And so, he had wanted to give Patrick the opportunity to discover what he already knew, that he was absolutely sure that he would never want to be with anyone else ever again.

Alexis had gone, presumably to meet up with Ted. Although he’d teased him earlier, Patrick still held him tightly, neither of them ready to part from the other. He let out a long, shaky breath and somehow managed to pull Patrick even closer.

“I want you to be sure,” he said into Patrick’s shoulder. “That what we have is the only thing you want.”

“If you’re not sure yet,” his voice broke on the last word. “I’ll be here until you are.”

He’d meant it when he’d said that he could see them in five years time. He hadn’t quite wanted to say it again when Patrick had called him on it, but he’d meant it just the same. He wasn’t sure when thinking about a future with Patrick had stopped being terrifying, but that future was something that he wanted to build together. 

He wanted to wake up every morning to find Patrick beside him. He wanted to talk about his day and what they would do tomorrow. And more than anything, he wanted to find Patrick, and only Patrick, in his bed every night. 

He almost didn’t hear Patrick’s response, muffled by his own shoulder. “I’m sure.”

 

**2 Months Ago**

It had been a long day. He had spent most of the day trying to make everything okay for Patrick, wanting to make his birthday a happy one. When it had looked as though everything was going to go wrong he’d been willing to take on anyone, whether it be Patrick’s parents or his own father to ensure that happiness would still come to pass. 

Now, as he and Patrick danced together, he thought about how Patrick had changed his life. He knew that Patrick steadied him, like a bulwark against the world. Today, when it had been Patrick who had needed David to stand behind him, he had done so without a second thought. Once, he would have felt betrayed by Patrick’s secret and pushed him away. Now, all he wanted to do was fold him in his arms and keep the world at bay. He knew that before Patrick there would have been no force strong enough to allow him to withstand the stress of what had happened today. It was as though his life could be divided in half, with Patrick as the boundary between the two parts.

For the first time, he realized that he would always put Patrick first, because he was the most important thing in his life. He was more important than his parents, than his sister, and he loved him enough to do things he hated, like planning surprise parties and playing baseball. Making Patrick happy was the only thing that mattered. And so, he had gone earlier today and without a second thought, to meet Patrick’s parents to ensure that his mistake didn’t hurt the man he loved. 

Fortunately, Patrick’s parents turned out to be as nice as their son. But when he’d thought everything might go badly there had been a moment when he didn’t care what they thought, he would have demanded they leave if he thought they were going to hurt Patrick. 

His mother squeezed his arm on her way by as his parents and Alexis left the party for the evening. Patrick’s parents had left some time earlier, he and Patrick would see them for breakfast in the morning. He was glad that they seemed to like him, he knew it was important to Patrick that they did. 

Looking into Patrick’s eyes he could see that a weight had been lifted from him, he looked...freer than David had ever seen him. He slid his hands along Patrick’s shoulders, linking his fingers behind Patrick’s head as they danced.

“...one of the happiest nights of my life,” Patrick was saying. David felt the joy flare up inside him, as Patrick gave him back everything he’d hoped for at the start of the day. As he leaned down to kiss him, he could feel Patrick’s contentment and he knew that it wasn’t just one of the happiest nights of Patrick’s life but one of his own as well.

 

**Today**

“And champagne.” Patrick’s voice was low and rough. David was glad to see his boyfriend was starting to recover his usual equilibrium. Patrick was usually the steady one, it wasn’t like him to get so wound up over so little. Normally, David wouldn’t be interested in spending this much time outdoors, but the champagne and the blanket combined with his desire to make Patrick happy had changed the equation.

When he turned to find Patrick kneeling in front of him he couldn’t prevent a sob from escaping. For the first time in his life, it occurred to him that marriage might not be something that only happened to other people. The idea of spending the rest of his life with Patrick, of waking up beside him every morning, of watching him fall asleep at night was intoxicating and all-encompassing. It was everything he wanted and had never imagined he could have. And now, here was Patrick, kneeling in front of him. 

It was perfect. It was perfect because it was Patrick. Nothing else mattered in the end. He knew Patrick had tried to make the day as flawless as possible, even if it hadn’t gone entirely to plan. A wave of happiness rolled through him as he thought about what had once seemed impossible. He was going to marry Patrick Brewer.

As they stood rocking together, arms wrapped tightly around each other, both of them laughing and crying, he thought about what love felt like. It was kissing someone he liked and noticing the little things so they could share them in the quiet moments when no one was watching. It was feeling safe and being willing to let someone go, even if it meant risking your own heart. It was protecting someone when they needed you and doing what you could to do to make them happy. It was never supposed to be like broken glass with sharp edges that could cut and slice, it was warmth that filled him up, coating his insides like toffee, soaking into every crack and crevice.

No one had ever loved him like this before. Or maybe no one had ever loved him. He had definitely never loved anyone this way, holding them so tightly and yet having it not be enough. He felt like Patrick had lit him on fire, that he burned so brightly he could light the world. He could see the fire reflected in Patrick’s eyes, as though a similar blaze burned within him. He reached to kiss him, feeling the heat from Patrick’s lips on his own as everything else fell away, leaving only the joy and safety of being in Patrick’s arms.

 

**Tomorrow**

“I do.”

The words were quiet as he said them but they rang like a bell inside him. He felt the tears well up in his eyes as Patrick squeezed his fingers gently. Overwhelmed, he lost track of the rest of the ceremony and it wasn’t until he felt Patrick pull him close and reach to kiss him that he realized they were now officially married.

He felt Patrick turn his head to press his lips against his neck. A shiver moved through him, and he gasped from the sensation and the knowledge of something that he’d once thought unimaginable.

He was never going to be alone again.


End file.
